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Yesterday I was sitting on my swing as the sun came up. I could see the light hitting the flowers I just planted and sweetly waking them for the day. I closed my eyes and began to draw in breath after breath allowing my thoughts to dissipate and love to show up.
Love is quite beautiful when you make space for her. She walked through my mind and settled into my heart with this anticipation that felt heavy. I continued to breathe wondering what I should say, how does one soothe love? I asked her, “Why are you so heavy today?” She released a flow of light and whispered, “You don’t trust yourself.”
Truth and Love lit up like the Aurora Borealis and spread throughout my soul. “You’re right I don’t. How do I change this?” I asked. She smiled and said, “Practice.”
In the past couple of years, I have felt this pull to trust myself. I could write you a list of reasons why I don’t, but they seem to be falling away from me like dead leaves fall from their trees when the season changes to fall.
There is nothing that should keep me from trusting myself. I do not feel alone in this new realization. There is a cool breeze this morning reminding me that everything changes, which means I can too. In this vulnerable moment, I will meditate on peace in my soul, truth in my heart and generosity towards myself. I will practice loving myself, and I will practice trusting myself every day. I don’t know why I hold every past choice down to my grocery shopping under a microscope looking for where I went wrong. Every book that makes breathing come just a little easier stares at me from its home on the shelf asking, “Why didn’t you already know all this?” Every pile of clutter and basket of laundry laughs at me, and I wonder where do I keep going wrong in my day to day accomplishments that these belongings have so much control over my emotions. Every pound that I would like to say goodbye to and every tight pair of jeans tell me I am failing myself when shouldn’t I trust that my body is doing a fantastic job and if I keep eating healthy and stop asking so much of it maybe it would relax, and I would see real change.
Should we maybe, possibly stop asking so much of the world around us and trust the truth within us long enough to see who we could become if we let go of all this judgment and resentment and desperate need for more.
In November of 2013, the truth that God choose me took root and spread through my soul. Today the truth that I have to choose myself is rushing through me, and it feels like light and pure joy. I am so tired of early breathing. I am sick with fear of not living up to my potential that I can’t find it under the clutter of my thoughts most days.
I am on a journey this year to create joy. I didn’t know that I would begin to trust myself as part of that journey. I didn’t know that falling in love with myself would be necessary to create joy for myself and others.
In so many sacred texts it is written that we should love others as we love ourselves. The catch there is that one must start out by loving who they are and the passionate creator that gave them life.
The season is changing, may you find yourself living loved and breathing deeper than ever before.