I am a few days into 2016, I have wondered and questioned the purpose of this year just like I do every year. I am not looking for a new years resolution as much as looking to see how I feel about the last 365 days and how I want to move through the next 365 days. I enjoy the self torture that this evaluation has always brought, I think its something about wanting to be better then I was the year before that drives me to actually make the changes I need to make.
I do not like competing agains other people, I am convinced I will loose before I even start but when it comes to being a better me I can make it happen. This year however I got a little scared going from 2015 to 2016 because I made a lot of changes during 2015 and I had no idea how I was going to become a better Christina, honestly I felt like if I add one more new thing I will fall over and have to find all my peaces again. I am not a fan of loosing my shit so I didn’t know how to challenge myself to be more.
This is when God showed up and gave me words. He created this soul and knows exactly how to sooth it. He said Do not neglect the gift that is in you, Practice these thing, be committed to them so that your progress may be evident to all. Pay close attention to your life and your teaching, persevere in these things, for by doing this you will save both yourself and your hearers.
God doesn’t need me to add to what he has me doing this year he needs me to keep focused and practice being me. Last year he asked me to Be me, Bravely. This year he asks that I be me, Consistently.
Consistency is only recently shown to be useful in my day to day activities. Why be consistent when you don’t like who you are or what you have been doing. However in March of 2015 I found myself on my knees in my bedroom asking God to find me. After the events of 2014 throwing me into the valley where the shadows of grief fallowed my every step I was lost and needed to be found. I cried and simply asked God to find me. I couldn’t find myself and I was desperate to be found. God asked one simple thing from me, Get up in the mornings and read the scriptures, read, just read. So I started to set my alarm for the AM hours I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I got up and read my bible, I wrote out my prayers and started to see God moving light a light moving across water, a beacon of hope and guidance showing me there really is land near by and it is safe to come home.
Moving through the scriptures the Holy Spirit brought me truth I was not expecting. It seams to always surprise me that God knows how to heal my hart when I haven’t the slightest clue as to take care of myself. He knew I needed lots of little moments that added up into long hours of safety and knowledge. He knew that if my soul didn’t have time to proses I wouldn’t retain even the slightest bit of what he said. He knew that for me to not only hear him but to understand him I would need to have his message come from every direction possible so I would learn it not just know it. The Holy Spirit began to talk to me through the scripture, Caleb, the kids, my pastor, blog post, tv shows but mostly through writing.
There it was, my soul on paper and I came alive like never before. Out of all the things I gave up or started up in 2015 the one thing I have always done and never allowed to be what it is supposed to be is my writing. I have been and always will be a writer and yet I have hidden it from the world because judging eyes fallow my words and I do not want my hart to be broken. I have tucked my words away in journals to keep them safe from the eyes that will not see their depth but will judge their structure and write them off as uneducated then take it upon themselves to point out the faults in the words rather then breath in their meanings.