As the pattern changes, my heart is dripping with tears. Life is twirling around me and new is every where I look. There is beauty, there is pain. There is joy and there is sadness. I don’t know if a life can make a significant change without all of the emotions mixing up and coming in pairs.
This week my daddy told the world he was ready to take the next step. He is making a choice that will change his life and ours. He has found his joy and her name is Michelle. Her smile makes my dad’s eyes sparkle.
He doesn’t know but I watch him. I always have but this week I have watched through tear filled eyes knowing that they will not spend their nights alone anymore. They will hold hands while they get groceries and when he comes home from work she will look up from what she is doing and he will know he is safe. That they are starting a journey and there are so many possibilities.
This does mean change is coming, like the fall weather, there is packing of the last season’s needs to make room for what is to come. Furniture will be moved, hearts will fill with joy while eyes fill with tears, and laughter will cover us like a blanket while grief holds our hand reminding us there is still work to do. As we go through the house to move the belongings around, I long to hold tight to the memories of my mom that bring joy. Sometimes, in this season of my life it doesn’t feel like there are many because pain has changed the joy to sadness, but I know that the joy is in there somewhere. So I will go on a mission to find her in the books she read but not the dolls she collected because they completely freak me out. I will look in the family albums but not the junk drawer because one can get lost in there. I will cry with my dad and my sisters because it hurts like fire but laugh because my dad makes funny noises when he cries. It has been a comfort we hadn’t expected.
As we meet our soon to be new family and we all begin to build relationships, I hope to hear the stories. I hope to hear the childhood memories of my soon to be sister. I hope to share jokes and laugh at our parents’ expense together. I hope to see lovely as I watch us become our unique version of a family. The journey we find ourselves on is one that came on fast, it has brought up questions and fears, excitement and wonder all at one time. Which can make it kinda hard to figure out what to do first. I have found myself wondering what the house will look like now that a woman will live there. What will Christmas and birthdays and even weekends look like now? How will all the new and all the old fit together?
What I know is this: I know they have found joy. I know that to find someone you are willing to do all the work that it takes to keep a marriage going with is not easy. All the laundry, cooking and honey do’s, all the remembering, listening and compromise, all the laughing with, inside jokes and kisses shared. To find someone to put up with your brand of crazy and to find someone that you see their crazy and know it makes you closer to whole is just an outright miracle. To find it twice is only God breathed. I know that there will be changes that bring on fresh pain and changes that bring new memories. I know that lives will be joined, families will grow and we will press on.