I don’t really know where to begin. It has been a couple weeks of figuring another one of life’s moments out. Learning to live life on its terms, not mine. To be completely honest, I have found myself looking around and wondering how I got here. How did I get to the place where this new problem needs all of my attention? I guess it was one step at a time. Some taken by me and some taken by people around me, for me, and now I find myself here, cleaning up and healing. Again, finding other people have a way of making choices for themselves without any real thought of how it will affect others. How their choices will change the lives of those they love the most. How every step taken in their own pain rips off pieces of my ever healing heart.
A couple weeks ago the light was turned on and the pain of someone I love deeply was exposed. It has affected me in ways I never expected. Logic tells me this has very little to do with me, but it has opened my own wounds, caused new ones and threatened to bring a flood of emotion that I am not sure I can hold my head above. Drowning in my own pain is a difficult image, but drowning in someone else’s is too much. I find it hard to breathe, to think, to write. I find myself sipping tea and telling myself it will all pan out. Only how? How will pain pan out? When will it go away and stay there? Can one who has been so severely wounded ever not feel the pain from those wounds every time someone else’s pain becomes her own?
These past couple weeks I have been thinking that if someone I love has opened wounds nearly scarred over, bringing them back to their once festering selves, have I, in my pain, done the same? Has my anger and fear ripped open someone’s heart and left it there to work itself out?
I am an angry elf. I fight a rather bloody war within my mind on a daily basis with anger. It is not a secret but I don’t tend to introduce myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Christina, sorry if I look or sound angry. I am, but that’s not your fault.” Although, I might start doing that.
It has come to my attention that I am a very passionate person, and I guess the way I have been experiencing passion for years now is through running cycles of focus and intention, then anger and grief. I enjoy putting all of myself into something I find interesting. I am very good at latching onto an idea and running with it and loving every moment until something happens, and then all focus shifts and I go lay down.
After the last couple weeks of mentally not being able to do much but lay down, a thought crossed my mind, that I may be the cause of someone else losing focus. What if by letting my pain and current or past wounds run me right off track, I knock a few people off course along with me? What if by me not understanding why someone is focused on that particular goal and how it doesn’t bring me any joy or sense of accomplishment, I say something, or more than likely, make a facial expression that causes them to second guess what they know about themselves? What if, in my festering and self focus and anger, I ignore my passions, thereby ignoring people I love? How will my wounds cause them pain? Will my bitchy resting face ruin our friendship? Will the anger in my voice break their heart?
I know there will be times when I will have to hermit myself away from life to heal. Wounds run deep but they have no business causing more pain.
I know that when life gets harsh, my calm loving responses turn to sharp, one word responses without even noticing. I don’t know how to change this other than to fight for myself. I love what God has been doing in me. I love that when I get scared I have a breathing practice that I feel the Holy Spirit gave me as a gift. I love that my heart dances with wisdom while I type and she doesn’t mind the misspelled words and the commas that have been misplaced.
I want to apologize to you. I love who God created you to be. I am so very sorry if I have let my wounds pull and tug and pick at your own. I am sorry if I have sat with you and talked far too long and not listened nearly enough. I am sorry if you have found yourself hurting because of my lack of being available emotionally or physically. I am sorry for the times when my pain has been so overwhelming for me I have asked you to take it on and left you where you stand to carry it home.
Thank you for caring about me, for being willing to stand with me and sit by me. Thank you for prayers and love that I didn’t even know you sent. Thank you for reading my words and sharing my life.
May you find yourself focused and in love with who God created you to be, knowing I stand along side of you sending out gratitude for who you are to this world.