It doesn’t always feel like love is winning though. Some days it feels so lonely as if love is the source of pain. This morning I am sitting on my swing wondering how so many parts of life can feel so shattered and yet there can still be hope. Hope for a reconnection, but one that is new.
I recently read that grief is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot because of a loss. That loss could be because of death or someone leaving you or you leaving someone you love. Grief is the manifestation of love you can no longer give to its intended recipient.
The last couple of months have been hell. Plain and simply my husband and I have faced some realizations that have been shattering. We have hunkered down and drawn close and walked through fire. We have come out singed but fully alive.
I have come to some beautifully heartbreaking realizations that I have let so many things come into my heart and take the place of this man who I value more than anyone. I haven’t seen all of his needs because I have been focused inward on my pain. I know this is how pain has grasped a hold of me. I know there is nothing I can do to change that because I didn’t know what I was doing then. But now, now I know, and now I have a choice.
Do I stay in grief and pain for my lost value and inflict pain intentionally knowing what it’s doing to the one person on this earth that loves me more than he loves himself or do I work hard and make the changes.
I am not taking responsibility for the mistakes and pains caused and felt in the very energy of my soul, but that’s just it. I always have done that. I built a spiraling habit out of words. When someone I love is upset, I assume it’s my fault. When someone I love disagrees with me, it’s because I am always wrong. When someone I love does something that breaks my heart its because I have no value, therefore, I am getting what I deserve. Then I self-destruct and cause pain to the ones I value the most by letting my anger turn to rage and letting myself become paralyzed in fear.
I know I didn’t know how to proceed from those moments, but I have a little light of hope shining in on my heart telling me I don’t have to grieve love. I haven’t lost my family to this vicious cycle yet, and there is still time to love them. I can love passionately and let the pain flow over me and move on in a way that doesn’t paralyze me anymore.
I have to do the work though. I have to change the inner voice that has so often been destructive. I will probably fall a time or two, but I will rise up. I will rise unafraid because we are worth it. He is worth it. They are worth it. I am worth it.
Today love wins.
Grace and Peace my friends.