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Some things, items, and ideas can get stuck in my hands as my grip tightens and my heart tries to make a connection. But they aren’t mine so they won’t fit. I have been meditating on the idea that if I let these things go. I will have so much more time and space to attach to what was created to breathe life into me.
So I started cleaning out stuff, like clothing that doesn’t fit anymore, and a few little things here and there but then I got stuck. I realized I could donate half of what I own and I would miss the point entirely. My house would look a bit cleaner. However, purifying my heart and mind would take me further than just giving away unnecessary belongings.
Honestly, I have had a difficult time with this because I have never intentionally sat down to spring clean my mind. I don’t know where to begin, but I can feel this calling from deep down that it is time to let things go.
So I started with my to-do list. I have a love for list making and a boiling hate for how those lists stare into my soul un-checked, un-done. Ironically, I made a bigger list to let go of my to-do’s and break it down into if-you-have-the-times. I have an app names cozi. I love her, she is cozy, and she will be mine. I have the option to make as many lists in my little app as I want. I can organize them by each family member, and I can organize each list internally by the day of the week or topic. I set up lists for myself, the studio, my writing, the children and for Caleb and I together. Every time I get a thought that says you need to be doing this I put it on the list. Then I let it go. When I find myself between laundry and playdates, I check my list. “What is today, Friday. What did I want to try to get done on Fridays? Oh goodie, I have time for that one but not that one this week.” I even made a list of people I want to get a hold of when I have five minutes to ask a question. This list seems to be silly, but it helps because I can’t keep all this stuff in my head anymore.
I have convinced myself that a better version of me could get all the work done, but this week. This week I have begun to understand that It may not be mine to do, to hold so tightly and panic when it shifts in my hands.
Maybe my list making is not settling with you because you are not drawn to list making like I am. Let me tell you a story of realizing some things are not meant to be owned by you, and when you let them go, you feel more centered.
About three months ago I was at a local shop and found this adorable cell phone magnet set. It was tiny, and when the magnetic ball was attached to your dashboard and the little circle to the back of your phone, they would come together and hold your phone while you drive. I just loved it. It was so tiny and cute. It didn’t look like it would get in the way or be annoying at all. However, it was a bit more than I wanted to spend, so I waited. I let money collect up little by little and then about a week ago I went to purchase this adorable little guy that promised to keep my map app up in plain sight, so I didn’t have to worry about looking at my phone in my hand while driving.
I read the instructions and attached the pieces. I kept reading the instructions and panic set in my mind. This magnet is so strong they warn against placing your phone and laptop computer to close to each other. Then they mention it can demagnetize your debit cards if it comes in contact with them. I was baffled and hoping I hadn’t made a ridiculous purchase. You have to wait twenty-four hours to let the glue set before using the magnetic couple. I didn’t sleep very well that night because I’m a dork like that and I was excited to see how this was going to change my life.
I got in the car. I nervously let the pieces meet and music plaid. I was thrilled my cell phone just sat there, and I drove away.
Then the phone fell and so did my heart.
So I tried again with the backup 3m glue stickers. Twenty-four more hours and nope. It just wouldn’t stick to my cell phone case.
I called the local shop, and they have a customer focused return policy, and told me I can bring it back if I am not 100% satisfied. I didn’t have time that day, so I put it on my list. Then I got the bright idea to contact the manufacturer. I felt all kinds of grown up at that moment. I never think to do that kind of adulating. They were fantastic, they shipped my new parts and gave me some instructions on how to make it work. I waited, and the box showed up early. I set out to follow their new instructions and was thrilled yesterday when I got in my car. It worked! I drove to see my grandmother, used my maps app to get me to her new temporary home and loved it.
When I walked from my car to the front door, I realized the larger adhesive sent to me to keep the magnet in place was coming off. My heart fell, and I knew it wasn’t going to work. Within a couple of hours, the glue gave out because my phone case is just too soft. I didn’t want to let this little magnet set go. I wanted it to work for me so badly that I considered for a moment drilling a hole in my beautifully smooth phone case.
Then a wave washed over my like butter on a hot pan. “Let this go, it wasn’t meant for you,” wisdom soothed my heart, and I began to laugh. She’s right. This product wasn’t intended to be used with my phone its that simple. Today I will head to my local shop tell them this story and give them back this cute little pair and say goodbye. For they are not meant to be mine and have taken up quite a lot of my time.
I feel like we all have these stories. When lists run around in our heads like banshees, and we hold too tightly to something that isn’t working because we want it to so desperately. It can be more destructive to hold on to something not meant for us than it ever would be to let it go.
May you find joy in knowing you can let go of things today and that when you do what is meant for you will have room to spread out and bring you joy.