Dana Candler has been setting fire to my soul for years. The way she prays strikes a cord in me that produces light. This morning I have been reading the words of her heart. She is talking about how looking back on her life things are different then she expected and there is resistance in her soul for her upcoming birthday. I am not facing a birthday that feels hard, but I am completing a year that has been very hard and I had expected more out of it. I want to share with you her words because no matter if you are looking forward or looking back you are being held.
I’d like to introduce Dana Candler
At the middle of my life I’ve found moments of panicky hesitance I didn’t know I would – a sense of anxious disappointment I didn’t expect. If I’m honest, facing forty has left me skidding my feet against the pavement at times, trying to hold back time — not quite ready for the mid-way point.
I’m not sure what I imagined life would look like here, but my resistance tells me it is somehow different than I anticipated. When the years behind are full of questions, it’s hard to run full stride into the future. Isn’t the midpoint supposed to be a highpoint? Where’s the mountain scaled? Where’s the victory won?
In the wake of disappointment, my real wrestle is with the Lord. When the unmet expectations I didn’t know I had get exposed, the accusations begin to pop to the surface, like balls I can no longer keep under water.
Why, Lord? Why isn’t it different? Have I missed it or have You left me here, sidelined? Why would You allow this loss?
When life doesn’t play out as we’d expected, when a set of disappointing circumstances turns into a set of disappointing years, when the relationships are harder, the finances are lesser, or the success seems smaller, we feel the loss of it all and our disappointment can skew our perspective. Yet Jesus wants to speak to us here:
“Look at My path. Look at its curve. And the path of My friends. Look where it goes.”