Have you ever spent time pondering the question “ Are you worth it”? I had no Idea how often I told myself answers to this question without ever sitting and really thinking about it.
For instance, I have in the past given up on losing weight because it was hard and takes a lot of time and consistency. I am a mother of three kids who has plenty to do every day that I can’t run away from so why add something to my day that made my body hurt and gave me another reason to take a nap. It also didn’t seem to do what I wanted when it came to easy, fast weight loss. Besides isn’t it God, Husband, Family, Church, Cleaning, Friends, Work, Community, Social Responsibilities, Ironing, dusting, grout scrubbing and then Self.
So basically what I have told myself here is that in fact, I am not worth the effort it will take to lose the weight I want to loose because I am not valuable in my own life…
Well, snap, When God shook me upside down and side to side last spring I got the point. I am in fact the most valuable thing in my life because without me there is no me, right? You cannot be the least valuable player in your own life, and you can’t decide you are not worth loving because you are too busy loving others or taking care of all the responsibilities that life brings us. I have a list of things I am responsible for every day, and they weigh me down sometimes. Sometimes my 5’4 frame is trampled by the 10-foot tall to-do list that gets more added then subtracted. Other days I seem to somehow clean every inch of my home, bake cookies and do laundry. How this happens is too much of a brain teaser for me to figure out. Maybe I will get the Lumberjack on it, and he woke up in the middle of the night once because the 4x4 Rubik’s cube was taunting him in his sleep, so he woke up and figured out how to solve it.
I guess what I am trying to say with words that are not quite the right color for this painting I am trying to create, is I have to choose God’s plan for my life, and that plan is all about becoming who I was created to be. Jesus did not show us how to give until you completely fall apart and are lost to who the world really needs us to be. He worked hard, and He took time, 30 years of his life was spent becoming who he needed to be in order to save the world. Moments doing the little things turned into months and years of the miracles we hold so close.
So I want to see if I can explain a little bit about coming to the conclusion that I have to choose me. I didn’t know it at the time, but it started when we moved to Nashville so the Lumberjack could start painting permeant pictures on people’s bodies. Up to this point, I had always been busy, I got my first jobs babysitting and selling Avon at 12 years old. I had a minimum of one but up to 4 jobs at a time until we moved. I felt lost when all I had to accomplish was to take care of my kids. I had no friends, no car, and no job, and this was life changing. It took a while, but I started noticing that I loved being home, not in the “I am a stay at home mom because God told me to be” kind of way but in the “I love this safe place” kind of way. I started feeling safe and in some ways a little healthier then I had been feeling. I started to understand after some time and tears that I was more of who I was created to be when I had time to just be me and breath. I had no clue what getting to bed at 9 pm could do for the renewing of my mind until I had nowhere to go and nothing to do but sit and rest.
Fast forward a couple of years, and we moved home to Oklahoma and life got crazy fast, I had no idea how many get-togethers and birthdays and Friday night hangouts I had been shoving into my schedule before I had moved. It took some time to iron out the details of balancing it all, but it was well worth it. I was worth it, and my family deserved the best version of me that I could be. This was when I learned the differences between an introvert and an extrovert. I am not shy, so I assumed I couldn’t posable be an introvert. Well, like a lot of people I was confusing the two, I just thought for someone who talked as much as I do there is no way I would ever be classified as an introvert, but being out and busy all the time just took every ounce of life out of me.
In March I started understanding that God wanted more me from me and I got scared, I didn’t know what that meant, but I was just as desperate to become myself as God was. I had known for some time that God wanted me up with the sun to spend time with him and get to know his heart and His plan for my life. My problem here was winter was still hanging on, and the sun didn’t get up very early. So I had to make a choice to set my alarm for 6:30 AM even if the sun was still sleeping. I set it on a reoccurring alarm for every day so that if I was going to sleep in, I had to deliberately disobey and turn it off. That keep me getting up because I had no interest in choosing to disobey, I also got a coffee pot that makes my coffee before I even get out of bed.
About a week into getting up and spending time with my creator the Holy Spirit spoke up about my laziness and not so committed workout routine. I had no interest in becoming a fitness model, but I was still nagging myself about the “baby + grief” weight I wanted to lose. So basically God said to do something or shut up about it. So I found a 12-week workout plan, had a friend that harassed me (thanks, Rachel) every day to make sure I got my rear in gear. Every single night I choose Gods plan and laid out my gym clothes and prepped the coffee machine to brew some love in a mug before I even got up. Every morning I was up drinking coffee with Jesus and then listening to Rob Bell while I squatted and lunged and lifted heavy things with my weak swaying arms. I kept choosing Gods plan, I kept saying I trust you and I choose you. I cried on the elliptical because I didn’t think I was important enough to get this much attention from myself and I cried in the sauna because the grief of that lie was too much to handle.
You know how you think you are starting to understand God and all his wonderful planning, and then he tells you one more thing, and you laugh because you think he’s gone mad? Well, that was what happened next. I am a recovering sugar addict, and I like to joke and say it’s not a big deal or make it sound funny because it’s a legal addictive stimulant but the truth is I have been addicted to sugar right down to my deepest of deepests (Dear dictionary is deepests a real word). So when God told me I needed to face the facts and quit eating sugar I was not thrilled, I wanted to argue, but the two pockets full of candy wrappers only proved that I was most definitely putting my need for sugar above my need for God himself.
I went back to the bookstore and repurchased the book I quit sugar ( I laughed and returned my first copy a year or so ago thinking this is crazy), I signed up for Sarah Wilsons 8 week program and started throwing out everything that contained any kind of sugar good or bad. I chose God’s plan that day and every moment of every day for the next 8 weeks. I choose to trust that I would be a better me because I wasn’t being controlled by my next sugar fix. I had no idea how addicted I was until I gave it up and realized everything I was eating was only making me foggy and stuck.
Choosing to let God guide you down the path that you are created to travel is an easy choice but staying consistent in that choice is not easy. I had so many people tell me giving up sugar was ridiculous, and then when I tried to explain it was for my health, I felt like confusion crossed most of their faces. When people found that fruit and honey were on the no eat list they told me that it’s not healthy to eat this way. Every conversation laid before me the choice to choose God or to choose the easy path and give up and believe that somehow what they said held more truth than what the Holy Spirit had whispered to my soul as I sat drinking my hot black love in a mug before the sun woke up.
I started seeing a pattern that seemed to work wonders when faced with a difficult situation, I said, “I choose you” or “I trust you” or “I have no clue what I am doing, but I will wait for you.” There was more strength and peace about what I was doing. This pattern was what I needed to keep going. As I finished the 12-week workout plan (which I wrote about the last day in my last blog) and I worked towards keeping sugar out of my body life started to take on a strange waiting kind of season. I am not a fan of the just wait, and I’ll tell you what’s next sometime soon kind of seasons. So for the last couple of weeks I have been sitting in the changes and waiting for what’s next, I have been throwing a little bit of a fit about it because I was hoping for more progress and knowledge about what I am meant to do with my life.
This summer we chose to bring a new puppy into our lives for the soul purpose of taking everything I was getting very comfortable with and throwing it up in the air to see if it came back the same or not. Ha, not really we got our little girl to help heal the broken heart of our old lady puppy who lost her best doggy friend about a year ago. So now my quite Jesus time on the couch has turned into me and Jesus and the dogs in the backyard, so the kids don’t wake up time. This shift in location through my mind out of whack, so we added more changes as the school year started, grief came by to visit, and I had a tooth betray me and need to be routed then buried never to be felt again. I was lost in this sudden storm and hadn’t known I was on the ocean on a tug boat.
This is where God told me, “Choose you my little, choose you.” On a swing in the dark with coffee in my hand and dogs wrestling at my feet I chose to be okay with me, I chose to let myself love who I am, who I have been and who I will be. I have to choose to take care of myself, so my family will have all that God created me to be to breath life back into them. I guess choosing God is choosing me and choosing me is choosing God but in so many ways I have felt like if I put myself above the rest of my family or friends, then I am a terrible reflection of Christ and who he is. I am starting to believe however that until I let myself have the time needed to be who I am created to be I can never give my loves what they need.
You are worth the time that it takes to be all that you are created to be. You are the only you there is, and we need you…hold on I’ll check Pinterest for more motivational quotes.
“ Believe you can, and you are half way there.”
“You only fail when you stop trying.”
“I believe in the person I want to become.”
Do you get the point or should I look for more?
It was a strange feeling this morning when I had to come to the conclusion that I am either going to fight to be who God says I am or I am going to go around this mountain again and find myself in another ten years wondering what life would have been like if I had just decided to tell my story and be all of my own self for whatever purpose that may be. So many famous loves never knew they would be held so tightly to so many peoples hearts. In this house, there are a few things we will not tolerate arguments on, God, Love Wins, Star Wars and Doctor Who. There is an episode of Doctor Who where the time traveling pair visit the Louvre with Vincent Van Gogh to let him see just how loved he becomes, the gentleman guiding the tour tells of his love for Van Gogh and how his work is truly in his opinion the best there is. This brings tears to my eyes every time because not only would it be wonderful to show some of the most tortured souls that they are in fact valuable but how many of us sit and wonder if our lives will ever be remembered if what we do has any value at all. You are worth it, all the hours you spend becoming the best version of yourself far outweighs the version you will become if you choose to do nothing.