I am searching for connection this morning. I have a tendency to separate myself from humanity, quite often even the people I love the most. I don’t always see how we are very much the same. I tend to list the reasons I am different from most people, and it puts me in a bubble that keeps my heart from connecting with others on a human level. I believe I do this because of pain and fear of more pain. It has come to my attention that this may be the very thing keeping me in so much suffering. I am searching to know deep down that I am not a woman alone on this island.
I want to do something I have not had the courage to do before. I want to give you a list of things that make up who I am both in the physical and spiritual world.
As a human…
I love to write
I am writing my memoir. I am telling a story of how the generations before me have passed down a pain that is physically different but emotionally the same. It’s my past and present journey to end the wounding of my heritage, to pass down love and change mine, my children and my grandchildren’s lives. I love my story even when it hurts so much I can’t breathe because I know that writing it out, creating new healthy thought patterns and connecting with others who like me have pain in their stories is therapy for my soul.
I wrap my introvert label around me like a warm blanket and use it as an excuse not to get involved.
My hair is dyed red. I believe that this is its intended color. It somehow was forgotten when I was once a cell making life choices, so I wisely maintain it alongside my trusted hair stylist.
When I was a young girl, my family moved to what I now realize to be a cult.
I feel that to much control over other people’s lives turns otherwise beautiful people ugly.
I occasionally let my dog on the couch when my kids are still sleeping, so I have a warm body and soothing heart beat next to me in the early morning.
I want to be so fit and lean that you can bounce a coin off my abs.
When I was eleven, I was told that I was a mistake. I don’t believe that anymore, but I live with the darkness and the scarred habits of self-destruction from the twenty years that I did believe it.
I am not very talented in the spelling of words, but I can string them together and paint a picture that opens my heart and lets my soul breathe.
I fear that as a writer my spelling will keep people from taking my heart seriously.
I take rest in every printed mistake I find in published books because we are all humans and the English language brakes more of its own rules than it follows.
I have a hard time homeschooling my children. I find myself worried that there will be gaps in their education and it will be because of the gaps in mine.
I may be sending out a vibe that I am unapproachable in a crowd. I don’t know this for sure, but I have noticed that if I am standing alone people don’t tend to talk to me. When I am standing with my husband, people don’t tend to see me. That could be because he is 6’6 and I am 5’4, they may not see me at all, but he is also super cool. He has a gorgeous beard that smells like cookies, He is a tattoo artist but isn’t covered in scary tattoos. He smiles at everyone, and he is almost always in a Star Wars t-shirt. Put all that together, and you have a rock star.
I sometimes wear Star Wars t-shirts to make myself cool like Caleb.
I have three children on this earth and one in the arms of an angle.
It has been twelve years since we lost Joshua. I still cry, and I still dream about him. I honestly hope that never changes.
In April it will be nine years since my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly.
In February it will be three years since my mother ended her life.
I live in constant fear that people will always leave me and that it is most likely my fault.
My instinct is to make a joke now, so this isn’t so hard. I get that from my daddy. He is my hero.
My answer to all biblical, racial, political and general life questions is, love like Jesus. I tend not to choose disgust with someone else’s choices when shifting your focus from myself to loving others, so I work to make love my first choice.
My selfishness is my self-destruction, and compassion heals my broken heart.
The best color in the world is purple if you disagree its okay to be wrong now and then.
I have a hard time trusting people who don’t drink coffee, but I am learning.
I believe that the authors, who created the magical movies like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, of worlds where the good and evil fight in a hidden realm all around us have tapped into more biblical truth than they realize. There are dark spirits in this world that tend to harm and focus on separating us as humans. There are also spirits of light and truth that fight side by side to protect and guide us to safety. This is why I am writing this list, to reach out and connect with human hearts so that I won’t feel so alone because that’s all it is, a feeling. The truth is I am one of a billion. I am only as alone as I want to be and I am exactly like every one of you.
May you find the courage to sit with my in this space. I would love to know how I am connected with you. How we are not alone and how together we can love the world one friend at a time.